Extracts from 2013

I talk repeatedly to my friend about how great it would be to live closer to her, a role opens up at her company and on the off-chance I interview for the role. On the day of the interview there is an accident on the motorway and I am stuck in stationery traffic for five hours; as a result I am three hours late to the interview and write the entire venture off. A phone call a few days later notifies me I have been hired. I start in two weeks. I give notice on my current job, current rental property and find a new home. I am in the midst of a complicated boy situation, he asks me not to leave but it’s too late. I list to the mix CD he made me as I drive to my new home.

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It is my birthday, I spend it with my two best and potentially only friends. I feel unsettled and unhappy. My new job has begun to take over my life, my new home is riddled with damp. New circumstances have lead to strained relationships. I turn 28 and wonder what i am doing with my life.

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His smile makes me smile.

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I start to think about buying my own home, the damp situation has worsened, I have lost multiple possessions, my landlord has no interest or involvement. I want out. In a matter of weeks I have made an offer on a flat, this could change everything.

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A night out with work friends, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and end up drinking far too much. In haze of spirits I am bold and unencumbered. Now officially a home owner I do not get out of bed the next day.

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I spend entire days reading or gorging myself on entire seasons of shows on Netflix. I fall irrevocably and embarrassingly in love with fictional characters. Sometimes I think it is a wonderful use of my time, sometimes I question my life.

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I don’t eat for two weeks and as a result feel acceptable in my Christmas party dress. I drink, I dance, I perform dramatic reconstructions of song lyrics. He looks wonderful in a suit and I spend much of the evening with him. I become a faux multimillionaire playing roulette. he smiles and me and takes photos. A kiss on the cheek migrates. When he is gone I am bereft.

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I think about cutting my hair, changing my life, getting a large and obnoxious tattoo. I think about knuckling down and working harder, getting to grips with my finances. I travel to my parents for Christmas and spend New Year at home alone.

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