Wednesday night introspection

The internet is an amazing thing filled with knowledge and beauty and inspiration (and lots and lots of porn, seriously how people got their rocks off pre internet is beyond me).  All this knowledge and beauty and inspiration also has the ability to send me into a spiral of self doubt because there are already people out there doing the things I want to do and doing them brilliantly and they are only a click away.  How can I ever be as wonderful as these pre existing wonderful people, surely there isn’t enough wonderful in the world for us all to have some?

Self doubt is exhausting though, I waste a shocking portion of my day wishing I were perkier, prettier, skinnier, more chilled out, more fun, basically a new and improved version of me because if I were that new improved version of me everything would be perfect. That’s not true though is it. In fact, I spend so much time wishing away and second guessing what I have, I am surprised I have time to do anything else.  Wanting to improve upon what you have is not necessarily a negative thing and jealousy is just a by product of being human and having other humans around you but wishing your life away without actually taking any steps to change things helps no one.

The most frustrating thing is that I know I go through these peaks and troughs; I know that right now I am happy and productive and finding ways to change my life and be the version of me I want to be.  I am never far away from falling down the rabbit hole though, and wanting to crawl into a nest of sad and hibernate. I am my own biggest critic and my own worst enemy when I should be my own personal cheerleader. As corny as it sounds, the only person standing in my way and stopping me from doing what I want to do is me.

This is one of the reasons I came up with my 30 before 30. Quantifiable achievement is always good, ticking stuff off, giving yourself a gold star, just being able to say, “hey this is a thing I wanted to do and I have done it”.  I am hoping that by making this list when the inevitable happens and I am again weighed down by all the negatives it will help me find a way to bust through.

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